Boys Will be Boys
by MoonSword1994
Summary: While the women are away, the men will play, especially when a certain pilot is put in charge of the festivities. One-shot post war story about the bachelor party Joker threw for Jacob and how he managed to pull it off without alerting a certain Commander. A gift fic for my friend Jules Hawk. Rated T for suggestive themes and mild language.


**A/N: I took some liberty with the Armax Arsenal Arena but otherwise everything is pretty much the same. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Don't worry, babe, I'll be fine," said Joker as he placed a suitcase by the door, "you just enjoy yourself at the spa retreat."

Shepard came down the stairs carefully, her leg still wrapped in a cast. "I don't think I should go, I mean, I really can't do anything there. No pedicures, no mud treatments, I can't even swim in that olympic sized swimming pool."

Joker smiled and shook his head, they had been having this same argument since Brynn had made the announcement about the trip two weeks ago. "Okay, you can get a manicure instead, the kinetic barrier on the cast means you can get all the mud treatments your heart desires, and as for swimming you can float on an inner tube in the water. You're there to relax, remember? Not do everything the spa has to offer."

"I know, I know," groaned Shepard as she came to a stop next to him at the front door. "Are you sure you're going to be alright without me?"

"Yes," said Joker, slightly exasperated. "Babe, I'm going to be fine, believe me. My weekend is going to be so boring I'll be wishing I was a girl so I could've gone on that trip with you and the others."

Shepard laughed. "Okay, well I don't think it'll come to that." She pulled him into a tight embrace, careful not to crush him, and felt him return her gesture. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Jeff."

Joker smiled as he buried his face into her hazelnut hair, honestly he did not know what he would do without her either. "Probably walk around aimlessly with a Joker-shaped hole in your heart that would never be filled."

She laughed, and it was the best sound in the world to him. "You're probably right, and I would spend those cold lonely nights with various strangers, thinking they would be the one to fill the hole in my heart."

"Okay, now you're just being mean," sighed Joker as he pulled away enough to look into her violet eyes. "You know I love you, right Jules?"

"Of course I do, Jeff," replied Shepard, kissing his lips softly. "You know I love you?"

"If I didn't, I would certainly wonder what the hell you were doing with me," chuckled Joker as he planted a kiss on her forehead then rested his against hers. They held their embrace for a few more minutes, since the end of the war and during Shepard's recovery they had not been apart for more than a few hours, now they were about to be away from each other for three days and neither one was really looking forward to the separation.

Glyph appeared from around the corner. "Commander Shepard, the limousine has arrived and the driver is on his way to escort you and your luggage to the vehicle. He will be here in forty seven seconds."

Shepard sighed audibly. "Thanks, Glyph." She started to pull away but was stopped by Joker.

"I still have thirty five more seconds with you and I'm not about to waste a single one of them." said Joker sternly as he held her against his chest, tangling his fingers in her short hair. Moments later they heard a knock on the door and Joker reluctantly released her so she could answer the door, the man in a driver's uniform entered the house and picked up Shepard's luggage.

"Are you ready, ma'am? Your friends are already in the limo awaiting your arrival," said the driver in a proper tone.

"Yes, just give me a moment to say good bye to my husband," said Shepard and she turned back to Joker, her eyes shone with unshed tears.

Joker reacted quickly, pulling her back into his arms and repeatedly kissing the top of her head. "Jules, everything'll be fine, it's just a couple of days at a spa. I know you're worried something'll happen to me or the galaxy if you're off somewhere having fun, but babe, it's about time you trusted the galaxy to look after itself for a couple of days."

Shepard's body started shaking with repressed laughter, she looked up at her husband with eyes shining with mirth instead of sorrow. "I guess you're right, baby. Okay, I think I can do this, just keep the apartment in one piece."

"I promise you will return to an intact home," laughed Joker as he let his arms fall from his wife's form. "Just try to have some fun this weekend, okay? Can you do that for me?"

"For you, I'd take on Harbinger." said Shepard and she cupped his cheek, stroking his beard with her thumb, she brought his lips to hers and kissed him deeply.

She pulled away and smiled at him one last time before following the driver out of the apartment, Joker watched them leave and closed the door only when they had entered the elevator. He leaned against the door and looked around the empty apartment, a wolfish grin dancing on his lips, he activated his omni-tool and started a conference call. "The eagle has flown the nest, I repeat the eagle has flown the nest."

"Roger that, Joker, the party animals are on their way." said Garrus.

* * *

"Gentlemen, welcome to the bachelor party of the century!" shouted Joker as they walked into a club that resembled Afterlife on Omega, though without Aria's ever present gaze. Joker looked around at his friends and they all looked like Christmas had come early, he expertly led them away from the common dance floor to a more secluded area, he walked up to the Turian bouncer and met his glare with a small smile.

"Password." said the bouncer curtly.

"Corypheus." said Joker confidently and the bouncer opened the door for the party. They entered into a room high above the dance floor though was far from boring, there was a circular bar in the center of the room and little cubbies all over that housed Asari dancers. Joker indicated to his group to follow him to the bar which they did though not without struggle, when they finally made the short trip to the counter Joker ordered a round of tequila shots and passed one out to each man.

"To Jacob, may the ball and chain never weigh you down!" shouted James and they all laughed before taking their respective shots. "So Joker, what do you have planned for this night of hell raising fun?"

"One night? Shit, man, we're partying for the entire weekend. This is just phase one." called Joker over the thumping bass. "Tonight, we're going to be drinking and dancing with the finest dancers the Asari have to offer, tomorrow is a surprise."

"Sounds good to me!" said Kaidan as he ordered the speciality drink a full biotic kick.

Joker laughed as he was handed a margarita with four umbrellas in it. "I've already paid for lap dances for all of you, but Jacob gets the special since it's his bachelor party. Now take these credit chits, and these receipts and go have some fun, I have a few more arrangements to pan out."

The men of the _Normandy_ went charging off like kids in an amusement park, Joker sat at the bar with his drink in hand and his omni-tool on, he planned on getting a few sky cars together for tomorrow and driving to a spot Garrus had mentioned and having a shooting competition. In retrospect that should have been the first item on the list since no one would probably be up to firing a loud weapon after tonight, but this had been the only night the club had available for the next six months. There were a few moments when he glanced up to see how the rest of the crew was doing, James was tossing handfuls of credit chits onto the stage of one of the dancers, Garrus was obviously enjoying his free lap dance though he kept saying that the dancer's waist was very supportive which she was not taking as the compliment it was intended to be. Steve was dancing with two of the floor dancers, though nothing overly sexual, and Kaidan was relaxing in his chair watching the dancer as he casually sipped his drink as if he were watching television, Jacob was talking with one of the dancers in a very flirtatious manner. Joker smirked as he returned his attention to his plans, he was glad all of his friends were enjoying themselves though he wished he could join in on the fun, the day he and Shepard got together was the day his late nights at the strip clubs ended. The part where he'd pay them money stopped, he had reasoned that is was alright to look as long as he did not get too intimate with them. He looked up from his omni-tool and saw Garrus walking up a smug grin on his face.

"Alright Joker, tell me, how were you able to pull this off?" asked Garrus as he motioned to the bar tender for a drink.

Joker stretched his arms up and rested them behind his head, taking his time before answering. "A great deal of time and resources went into this weekend, my good Turian, the first hurtle was coming up with a way to get the women off of the Citadel. I found an advertisement for a spa on Illium and after a few carefully placed calls I had the entire spa trip arranged which my loving wife and her friends are enjoying right now. I found out about this place from Liara she gave me the password and EDI helped me make pay for all of the lap dances, she quietly transferred the funds from my private account without Jules knowing. Now I'm trying to secure us a couple of sky cars that'll take us to that spot you mentioned in the Presidium and we're going to have target practice. Which will be a nice way to prepare for our match at the arena."

Garrus whistled through his mandibles. "Sounds like we're in for a fun weekend, when do the girls get back exactly?"

"Sunday afternoon, so day after tomorrow." replied Joker as he shook his glass for another margarita. "I made sure that their trip would give us enough time to have fun but not enough time to chance an overlap in events. We'd catch hell for sure if the girls found out about this little excursion of ours."

"Jacob for sure, he's gone into the back for that special treatment you paid for." said Garrus, inclining with his head to the general direction Jacob left in. "Spirits, look at Kaidan!"

Joker looked over and saw the upstanding major on the platform with the stripper, swinging around the pole with grace and skill only an experienced dancer could have possessed. Joker activated the camera application on his omni-tool and started to record Kaidan's dance, he knew he should have just left it alone but it was so rare to see the Major relax, he had to capture the moment forever. Both Garrus and Joker continued to watch Kaidan's impressive performance and even threw him a few credit chits when they saw a few of the other patrons doing the same, their laughter permeating the room. When the clothes started coming off they decided now would be the time to intervene, Joker asked the bartender for a tablecloth and he handed it to Garrus whom snuck up behind Kaidan and wrapped the cloth around him. Many people in the room protested to Kaidan being removed from the stage and their objections were met with a long string of swears from Garrus as they walked Kaidan to the bar while Joker laughed.

* * *

The night went on just as Joker hoped it would, everyone took advantage of his generous gift of lap dances and drank until their bar tab was nearing four digits, other than Kaidan nearly breaking his neck trying to dance on the pole again nothing too eventful happened. Originally after the strip club the plan had been to use the rented party bus to make sure everyone would get home safely but somehow they all ended up back at Joker and Shepard's apartment. When he woke up the next morning, Joker felt his head spinning but no nausea so that was already a good start to the day. He showered and dressed before venturing downstairs, greeted by the smell of eggs and bacon, he found James and Jacob in the kitchen making breakfast and when he looked over in the living room he saw Steve, Kaidan, and Garrus all passed out on the sofas.

"Glad to see you guys survived the night." chuckled Joker as he helped himself to a plateful of food and rested against the counter.

James nodded in response, his mouth too full to speak.

"That was one helluva night, Joker, thanks." said Jacob, smiling wistfully as he remembered the previous night's events. "I still can't believe the Major though, where on Earth did he learn those moves?"

Joker nearly choked on his coffee as he thought about where Kaidan might have learned his dance skills, the image of him being a stripper in some club on Earth was too priceless. "I don't know, but we're going to have to get it out of him somehow."

"Get what out of who?" asked Steve as he entered the kitchen, his eyes red and he still appeared to be shaking sleep's embrace.

"Figure out how Kaidan knows how to dance better than an Asari stripper." replied James as he piled more food on his fork. "Okay, Joker, what's the plan for today?"

Joker swallowed another mouthful of food before answering, dragging out the anticipation for as long as he could allow. "Target practice on the Presidium and then we're headed to the arena afterwards for a rousing game of 'Kill or be Killed.' You guys feeling up to it?"

"Are you kidding me? That sounds incredible!" exclaimed Jacob excitedly. "I'm so glad I put you in charge of my bachelor party, I thought I might end up regretting it."

"Why's that?" asked Joker as he poured Steve a cup of coffee.

"I don't know, I mean, I was there for the party you threw for Kolyat and that ended up with three of us in jail and the others scrounging around for the bail money." replied Jacob.

Joker laughed, amused by how well that party had turned out. "Oh yeah, that was a great night. No, I thought about doing something similar but with Brynn being pregnant and so close to bursting, I figured it might be a bad idea for you to be completely indisposed in case something happens."

"I appreciate you taking my child into account when you made these plans." said Jacob shaking his head. "So Shepard's okay with us naming our daughter Julie?"

"She hasn't said anything to the contrary, so I would imagine she's alright with it." said Joker thoughtfully. "Enough talk about wives and babies, this is a guy's weekend, remember? Let's go wake up the two sleeping beauties over there, I'll get the buckets and fill them with water if James and Jacob will dump them on their heads."

Jacob and James shared a wicked grin before nodding and Joker went searching for anything large enough to hold a lot of water. This was going to be fun.

* * *

"I still can't believe you dumped water on me!" said Kaidan as he loaded his assault rifle with blank rounds. They had just arrived at the top of the Presidium and were preparing their weapons for target practice, Kaidan still had water clinging to his hair, Joker resisted the urge to laugh.

"Well you were snoring, we had to do something to stop the earthquake." replied Joker as he tested out the pistol James had custom made for him. "This has limited recoil right?"

James looked up from the bag of weapons and blank ammunition. "Yeah, I made sure that it wouldn't hit you like a ton of bricks when it fired, just keep your body relaxed and you'll be just fine."

He nodded and practiced aiming with the pistol, eager to try out his custom weapon. "Are we all ready?" Joker looked around at everyone and saw each one nod in response. "Then let's get this started. Steve, you'll be tossing for James and vice versa, Jacob and Garrus, and Kaidan's with me. Sound good?"

"We're ready to get this started, Joker, can we please start blowing stuff up?" asked Garrus, already lining up his shot despite the lack of target.

Joker rolled his eyes and indicated that they could start firing when they were ready, in several seconds there were several bottles being thrown and shots fired. This dance continued for several more minutes until the bottle throwers demanded some down time, claiming that if they threw one more bottle it would be at the shooters' heads. They switched places, Joker now being the shooter which he found to be a very different position than being the one who threw the bottles.

"No biotics, Kaidan." said Joker sternly as he readied his gun. From behind he heard Kaidan laugh and then saw the bottle go flying past him, he fired and watched as it blew up spectacularly. Kaidan threw another bottle a little farther out and Joker nearly missed his target, catching it only on the tail end, silently cursing that he had almost let it get away. He saw another bottle fly off into the air, this one had a familiar blue aura surrounding it and he smiled before taking the shot. When the bottle burst he was just as surprised as everyone else, that target had been thrown father out than the one he had just missed and he had expected a miss instead of a hit. He stood there frozen in amazement as the rest of the crew rushed over and started congratulating him on his performance, when they were down showering praise they returned to their positions and practice resumed. They went until they were out of ammunition, bottles there was hardly a limit on since every time one of them had a beer they just tossed it off and shot it.

When they were officially out of blank rounds, they sat down and Kaidan passed out bottles of beer to everyone from the cooler packed earlier, enjoying the view the top of the Presidium offered.

"Garrus, how illegal is this?" asked Steve as he laid on his back and watched the skycars fly past.

"There are exactly one hundred and seventeen rules against being up here, but after what we did for the galaxy, I don't think they can say much." replied Garrus as he polished the lens on his scope.

Joker smiled as he rested on his back, hands behind his head, cap over his eyes. "I'm so glad you worked that stick out of your ass, Garrus, and that you stopped trying to beat everyone to death with it. I like this Garrus a lot more."

Garrus flexed his mandibles in a smirk. "I'm glad you approve, Joker. Should we start heading towards the arena?"

"Yeah, I think we've gotten enough practice in, let's go before C-Sec arrives." said Steve and they all cleaned up their mess before jumping into the rented skycars and heading towards the Silversun Strip.

* * *

Joker struggled with the clasps as he put on his breastplate, he had taken this piece of armor off of Shepard several times prior but he quickly realized that getting it off was the easy part, putting it on was the pain in the ass. He glanced over and saw that everyone else had their armor on already and they were waiting around for him, this realization made his hands shake even worse than before. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kaidan walking up with a lopsided grin on his face, obviously amused at his predicament.

"Here, you need to clip this one first, then the one across. Makes it easier when you go to fasten the rest of them in." said Kaidan as he showed Joker how to attach the breastplate.

"Thanks, Major, I appreciate help." mumbled Joker as he finished the other fasteners. When he was finished, he joined the others at the terminal, ready to select their scenario before heading out to the simulation room.

"What'll it be, boys? Cerberus? Collectors? Reapers?" asked Steve as he went through the options.

"How about Geth? You know, for the memories." suggested Garrus and the rest of the group nodded.

Steve put in Geth for enemy selection then was shown options for environments. "Geth has been locked in now we need to select the place we kick their ass in. I'm partial to the brimstone option myself."

"Sounds good to me." said Kaidan, and he looked to the others who all nodded in response. "Brimstone it is, Steve."

He put in the specifications and then motioned for everyone to enter the elevator that would take them to the elevator. Joker felt the gun trembling in his hands, as much as he trusted the men at his side he still was nervous, he had never been in a combat situation before and the only person he could trust going into one with was away on vacation.

* * *

The rush was incredible. He had never felt so alive in his life, except for maybe when he and Shepard had first spent the night together, but this was an entirely different type of rush. This was like taking a new car down a long curving drive at top speed and thinking every corner you take will be your last. He ducked and dodged a bullet that whizzed past his head, his blood thundering in his ears, even though this was a simulation he still felt like he was in a real life or death situation. Joker charged forward and took cover behind a platform, he looked over at Kaidan and James who were giving signals he recognized from Shepard, they were treating this like a real battle situation as well. He glanced over the barrier and saw a Geth getting ready to fire at Steve, he took aim and shot at the machine landing a fantastic spot right in the body, the simulated Geth disintegrated into a cloud of orange light. Inwardly he cheered, if only Shepard could see him now, she would be very impressed.

They fought long and hard, barely aware that they had gathered a huge crowd of onlookers above, instead they were focused on the newly synthesized Geth Prime that had just entered the battlefield. This was the farthest they had ever made it in the arena and all could tell this was more than likely going to be the end battle, but they would not go out quietly, this was going to be their most glorious moment. Joker looked over and saw Kaidan motioning for him to join him and the others in the most secluded part of the field, he quickly made his way over not looking back at where the Prime was.

"Alright, here's the plan," said Kaidan, his soldier voice coming through, "Garrus, you're going to stay somewhere you can use that sniper rifle, we need continuous fire on that thing. Jacob we need your biotics at the front of the line, it puts you in a vulnerable position but its where you're needed. Steve, you and Joker are going to flank it from either side while James and I go up the middle and fire at its core. We don't have long before it figures out how to take us out so this needs to be fast and effective."

"Roger, Major." said the team and they broke off into their positions.

Joker was elated, after all this time he finally felt like he was part of the ground team even if this was not a real battle. He glanced over at Kaidan who gave the signal and Garrus started firing, directing the Prime's attention from anywhere but where Garrus was, then he saw the second signal and knew it was his time to act. Joker started towards the Prime, firing round after round at the machine aiming at the weak points he had heard Shepard and the crew talk about before, hoping that something would take it down. The Prime turned its attention to Garrus and fired, hitting him instantly and he burst into a cloud of blue light, Joker swore loudly very angry that his friend was out of the fight. He looked to Kaidan who gave the signal to keep fighting even though they had lost a key member and Joker obeyed, not wanting to give this Geth another chance to take out his friends.

The battle lasted longer than Joker had first anticipated, by the way Kaidan had been talking it sounded like it would have been over in a matter of minutes instead of what appeared to be hours. After Garrus had been taken out of the game, they had fought harder than they had before, but Steve had been hit next despite their hardest efforts not to be hit. Another few minutes lapsed by and it was Jacob who was at the receiving end of the Prime's blast next, going out in a blaze of blue light. They were getting low on men and strength, it was just a matter of time before they were all at the mercy of the Prime's guns, but they would not go down without a true fight.

Joker kept firing, not even caring that his arms and legs were screaming for him to stop, for once in his life he was not going to give into his disease, he was a soldier and was going to be one even if it broke every bone in his body. Despite his new found determination the machine kept taking them out until it was only Kaidan and Joker left, Joker ran to the other side of the arena and continued firing. He watched as Kaidan created a huge ball of energy and fired it at the Prime knocking it on its back, Kaidan then ran to the fallen Geth and prepared to fire into its core only to be shot by the machine's gun. It was now just Joker and the Prime. He knew it was time to stop hiding and to take direct action, he bolted from behind his barrier and charged forward imitating how Kaidan had run up to the Prime. What he found most difficult was trying to climb up the Prime since it was starting to get back on its feet.

"For the fallen!" shouted Joker as he stood over the Prime and fired his weapon just as he became consumed with a blinding blue light.

* * *

When he came to he noticed he was in an infirmary of sorts, then he saw the rest of the group was looking down at him, big cheesy smiles plastered on all of their faces.

"Am I not wearing pants or something?" asked Joker as he sat up, he felt groggy and sore, wanting only to go home and sleep.

"You mean you don't know?" asked Jacob as he helped Joker sit up.

Joker shook his head. "No I don't know apparently."

"You killed the Prime!" exclaimed James excitedly.

Joker blinked at him, not sure he had heard him right. "What do you mean? I died or am I here for an entirely different reason?"

"No, man, you shot the Prime just as he fired at you." replied Kaidan as he clapped him on the back. "You officially now have the second highest score in the entire arena, the only person who has more points than you is Shepard, and only by about a thousand points."

"You've got to be kidding me." said Joker in disbelief, he could not comprehend the fact he had almost beat his wife's high score during his first time in the arena. "So what do we do now?"

"Celebrate!" shouted the boys.

"I'll buy the beer." said Kaidan.

"I'll order us some pizzas." said James and he was on him omni-tool in an instant.

"I'll see if they'll download our fight for us!" called Garrus and he left the infirmary.

"Sounds good, I'm going to redeem my points for a couple of prizes." said Jacob and he was gone from the room next.

Steve chuckled and turned back to Joker. "That was pretty impressive, Joker. Guess you're just as good a soldier as you are a pilot."

"And that's saying something since I'm the best damn pilot in the entire galaxy." said Joker proudly. "What injuries did I get while in there?"

"Strained muscles but nothing's broken, mostly you're here to recover from the disorientation of being dematerialized and then rematerialized. How're you feeling?" asked Steve as he handed Joker his pistol back.

"Like I was on a merry-go-round for a few rounds." sighed Joker as he stood up. "Come on, let's go out to the cars and get home before James dies of hunger."

* * *

The pizza and beer was waiting by the door when they arrived so they grabbed their food and headed on into the apartment, Garrus immediately uploaded the battle recording to the large screen television. The rest of the crew came over and sat down watching their battle unfold before their eyes, Kaidan tossed them a beer and James brought over the multiple boxes of pizza, everyone grabbing a slice or two.

"Damn, James!" shouted Steve as they watched James tear the head off of a Geth. "Now that's what I call impressive!"

"I agree with Steve, I've never seen someone take down a Geth in that way." said Kaidan, nudging him with his shoulder.

James blushed a bright pink, obviously not used to hearing such high praise. "Thanks guys, means a lot coming for you all."

"Too bad you weren't with us for the real Geth, we could've used some muscle like you." said Garrus as he nursed a dextro beer. "But they had me so that was enough."

The group laughed as several Geth exploded in the background on the screen. They continued watching the rest of the battle, each one making comments about impressive maneuvers or difficult moments, no one received any criticism unless it was a moment of hilarity and then it was only in jest. Joker looked around at the men he had grown to know as his brothers, there were a few missing of course taken by war or unavoidable obligations, and yes they were all different from each other but that is what made this relationship work.

Kaidan was the rock, keeping everyone on course and being there for them when it mattered most, which Joker came to know about after he lost Shepard to the Collectors. His friend had been there for him even when he demanded he leave and never come back, he would always be grateful for his persistence. Garrus was the philosopher, showing each of them how to turn even the worst situation into a type of life lesson that would benefit them later on in life, usually using his own experiences as an example. James was the big brother, not just physically, he protected and looked out for everyone else before himself like a good older brother would do for his younger brothers when he was not trying to beat the crap out of them. Steve was the group's conscience, acting as the moral compass when no one was sure what to do, and they had come to rely on him more and more as the choices became more difficult to make. Jacob was the confidence booster, he was always going around trying to make everyone feel as if they were worth more than anyone else in the galaxy even though he was always at odds with himself over his own abilities. Joker smiled as he resumed watching the vid, knowing that as long as he had his brothers and his beautiful wife, his life would be unlike any other.

* * *

Joker felt a hand on his shoulder and his olfactory senses were hit immediately with the very enticing scent of French vanilla and orange blossom, he knew without opening his eyes that Shepard was home. He opened his eyes and saw that he was indeed right, his wife was standing in front of him with a curious look on her face, he brushed it off as normal curiosity since he was sleeping on the couch instead of in bed.

"Morning." he said as he sat up, half expecting beer bottles and pizza slices to fall off of his chest and onto the floor. "When'd you get here?"

Shepard leaned down and kissed him softly. "Just a few minutes ago," she said as she pulled away. "You want some breakfast? I picked up some doughnuts on the way over."

The possibility of food perked him up and he sat on the edge of the couch, rubbing his eyes and looking around, he was glad to see that there was no evidence of the night before determining that Glyph had more than likely taken care of whatever mess had been left behind. He looked at the other sofas and saw not a trace that would suggest the others had spent the night at the apartment, he watched his wife busy herself in the kitchen, getting the coffee started and opening the doughnut box.

"How was the trip?" asked Joker as he stretched lazily, leaning back against the cushions.

"Oh it was great!" gushed Shepard as she started grinding up the coffee beans. "I'm so glad I went, I got my hair done, was massaged until every part of my body felt like it was made of butter, and I got a manicure. Tali convinced them to put the N7 emblem on my thumb nails, I'm still not sure if I like it but they did great work."

Joker listened to her ramble on and on about her weekend, every moment she spent talking about her trip was a moment less she had to ask him about his. He was about to join her for breakfast when he heard her open the fridge and he knew instantly she had detected something was off.

"Where'd all the beer go?" asked Shepard as she closed the door and went over to throw away an old coffee filter. "What's with all of the pizza boxes?"

Joker was quick to respond. "Oh those? I had some of the crew over and we watched a movie and had some dinner, hope that was okay."

"Well I can't do much about that now, can I?" said Shepard as she started the coffee maker. "Did you do anything else while I was gone?"

"Just hung around the house, sorry I didn't message you, but I figured you didn't need to be bombarded every ten seconds by me saying how lonely I was." lied Joker smoothly, he was hoping she would stop asking questions before she tripped into something he could not lie about.

"That's okay, my omni-tool was off for most of the trip," called Shepard, "speaking of which I should probably turn it on."

Joker heard the distinctive sound of her omni-tool turning on and then shortly after he heard the sound of messages going into her inbox. He calmly went into the kitchen and took a doughnut out of the box and ate a huge bite out of the cakey ring, not really paying attention to Shepard as she checked her messages, that is until he heard bass thumping music.

"Oh my god, Jeff, you have to see this video of Kaidan! He's stripping!" exclaimed Shepard, she giggled until she heard a familiar laugh in the background though she did not recognize it right away. "The guy recording it sounds kind of like you, Jeff . . . actually he sounds a lot like you . . . wait a second, that is you!"

She turned around ready to confront him when she discovered that both Joker and his doughnut were gone.


End file.
